Five things the iPhone can't do

As everyone knows, Apple are marketing geniuses. Geniii. Designers, film-makers, and others who insist that only a Mac will do! But learn! Not everything with an i prefix will revolutionise your life. Surely people are wetting their ipants a little unnecessarily over the new iPhone. But here are ten things it won’t do:

1) Find you friends to fill up your phone directory
2) Stop you dropping it in the loo when you’re drunk
3) Help you unearth it from the bottom of your bag when it’s ringing with an important call from someone whose number you don't have and who withholds their digits
4) Make joke ring tones hilarious in any way
5) Give you the powers to be erudite, alluring or entertaining in conversation.

Of course I still want one.