Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains

Ladies and Gentlemen… was a film made in 1981, featuring members of the Sex Pistols, The Clash, Ray Winstone and a 15-year-old Diane Lane.

Lane played the lead singer of proto riot grrrl group The Fabulous Stains (motto: “We don’t put out”) who rose to fame, in a stupendously meteoric week. And then fell from grace even faster.

Some shabby performances, shaky camera work and naïve plot are all outweighed by the zest, raw emotion and lust for life in the movie. I love it. Here’s a great scene, where the Stains, who by now have a growing army of fans who dress like them, play a shopping mall. A shopping mall!

The film has never appeared on DVD, or been shown on TV in the UK. What a crying shame.

The Turtles - Happy Together

Happy happy joy joy sunshine pop from the wonderful Turtles. How I wish I'd been a teenager in 1967, the best year for music.

I think I most love the trumpet player, with his beaming smile, hat/glasses arrangement, and extraordinary knitted jumper and tie combo.

Singalong.

Phil Spector - A Life In Haircuts

Jury selection is underway in the murder trial of legendary producer Phil Spector. To celebrate the trail, I thought I'd have a trawl through the eccentric knob-twiddler's finest coiffs...

The Hairy Helmet
A fresh faced Spector shares a joke with silky locked George Harrison. Insert weak Beatles pun here. "Possibly about Eleanor Wigby." There you go.


The Brillo
Um, yeah. Phil points a gun at a camera. Not that we're implying he has history or anything...
..

The Magnificent Aura
Because nothing says "I am a sane, respectable member of society" like an oversized, hairy giant globe on your head.


The Scary Tranny Uncle
Apart from perhaps coming to court looking like the man in your town that everyone knows likes to wear his wife's knickers under his Farah slacks. Yes, that'll do it, Phil, you're bound to get off now.

The best hats money can buy

I love a good hat, me. Can't get enough head gear. Here are my top ten hats, ranging from sassy to smart, and where you can buy them.

1. The Sailor - On the town? Shore leave? Nothing says "Two cheap whores and a cheeky wink" like the doughboy.









2. The New York Police Officer - officious yet camp. Accessorise with aviator shades and a stern look.












3. The tiny top hat - For those days when you feel like drag kinging it up, but not TOO much...















4. The Puritan - Perfect after a prolonged period of over-indulgence. Wear with your best silk stockings and buckled shoes.











5. The Viking - Raping? Pillaging? They'd be no fun if you weren't wearing this horned helmet...












6. The Greek - Noble, yet providing an anonymity that enables the wearer to perform despicable acts of brutality. Perfect for shopping and/or picnicking.












7. The Beret - Cheap, warm, and somehow meek. Covers up the grimmest of hair days. If someone shouts "Frank Spencer" at you, growl in French at them and throw an onion at their head.








8. The Tricorn - With a corner each for the father, the son, and the holy ghost, a tricorn hat will lend an instant air of godliness and town cryer authority. Oh, and indeed, Yez.











9. The Clone - I really like wearing hats designed for gay men. I hope you do too. It cheers me.











10. The Dunce - Yes, because I am one. But also because the idea of publicly shaming slow kids in front of their peers is both astounding and hilarious. If I had kids, I'd wear one of these to a parents' evening.

The Genius of Ronnie Barker

Ronnie Barker, of the Two Ronnies was an absolute hero of mine. I love a pun, me, and his effortless wordplay in his sketches and songs was a complete joy. Watch this sketch, Your Nuts, My Lord, and tell me otherwise...

Jarvis Cocker's Genius New Video

Someone should slap a preservation order on Jarvis Cocker. He can be funny, bleak, dramatic or whispery, but he always has something to say, and a clever way in which to say it. He's British like Mike Leigh or Victoria Wood, and has an unshakeable, non-superior cool that most pop stars couldn't even begin to imagine shouldering.

I can't wait to see what he has in mind for this year's Meltdown, the festival on the South Bank in London that he's programming. Until then, I'll content myself with watching the wittiest, most entertaining, why-didn't-I-think-of-that pop video I've seen in years. For his recent single, Don't Let Him Waste Your Time. Ladies and gentlemen...

The Queen In The Rain

This picture makes me laugh, but also makes me feel a little sad too. It was taken a couple of days ago, when the Queen opened the new British Tennis Centre.

I have absolutely no love for the royal family, and think the institution is hackneyed and outdated, but this picture of the poor old HRH, sheltering stoically on her own makes me a little teary.

Maybe it's the way her lovely see-through 1970s umbrella perfectly matches the royal blue dress. Or maybe just her grim, set face, buffeted from years of terminally dull engagements. Or the resignation of a woman knowing how ridiculous this must look to onlookers and photographers.

I'd buy this if it was a poster.

Wim Delvoye

“I like to stick my middle finger up at the establishment. I am a trouble maker.” says Belgian artist .

Delvoye’s art is arch and knowing. But, http://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifmost importantly it makes people laugh as well as think. He’s tattooed pigs with classic biker designs. His ‘shit machine’ is a giant, room-sized robot that replicates the human digestive process.

He’s made elaborate parquet floors featuring a range of delicatessen meats. He’s carved enormous cement mixers from teak, and created stained glass windows, which on close inspection are made up of X-Rays of people having sex.

It’s funny. It’s cartoony. Kids like it as much as their parents. It’s as all-encompassing as fine art gets. As Wim says, “In Belgium we’re not pretentious enough to think we can change the world.”

Wim’s work is often darkly funny. He created a collection called “Gothic Works” which consisted of nine stained glass windows, which on closer inspection were made up of X rays of people giving blowjobs, kissing, and having sex. Sex rays. Wim’s friends posed for the pictures. He laughs, “They are anonymous, but if you were a really good dentist you could probably confirm who they are.”

Super Mario Brothers in Lego

I know this is turning into writing about old video games week, but hell, this is so cute.

Super Mario Brothers in Lego form. And the sound effects are hilarious.

Mario Bros. Lego
Uploaded by Bibi-de-Bibopof

The Wonderful World of Katamari Damacy

My favourite video game, Katamari Damacy, has the most extraordinary introductory sequence of all time.

All singing, all dancing, and utterly impenetrable. But it makes me happy and excited at the thought of the forthcoming rolling-up-the-world fun. It's like the title song from some wonderfully camp cartoon musical dreamed up by a team of Smartie-stuffed Japanese children. Here it is. Sing a long. And don't let the fact that it’s in Japanese stop you.

Strange and Wonderful Albums: My Beauty by Kevin Rowland

Kevin Rowland
My Beauty

In 1999 the ex-lead singer of Dexy’s Midnight Runners was coming out of a period of post-fame bankruptcy and cocaine addiction. He was deeply into therapy, fragile and emotional. Luckily, Alan McGee from Creation Records was on hand to expose him to national ridicule by enabling the release of one of the most bizarre solo albums of all time.

The cover image is a showstopper. Kevin in a midnight blue dress, hitched up to reveal stockings and a pair of manky pants, and pulled down to show his nipples.

It’s rumoured that when he was in recovery, he had listened to an hour of easy listening greyhair station Magic FM, and covered every song he heard. In order. As Rowland says in the sleevenotes, "These songs started to penetrate my frightened world. They reawakened something I'd only fleetingly sensed before… it was beauty… my beauty."

Witness the insanity. Whitney’s The Greatest Love of All, with a whispered intro, “Mother…” before Rowland’s soaring tenor breaks. Kevin isn’t afraid to personalise lyrics – Squeeze’s ‘Labelled With Love’ is renamed ‘I’ll Stay With My Dreams’. Kevin also trounces The Monkees’ ‘Daydream Believer’, The Unit Four Plus Two’s ‘Concrete And The Clay’ and ‘The Long And Winding Road’ by The Beatles.

The anguish of an over-therapised man audified, My Beauty sold only a handful of records. Shortly after its release, I saw him perform at the Reading festival wearing a white dress and stockings, accompanied by two strippers. It was one of the single greatest live performances I’ve ever seen. Rowland bravely struggling with a terrible sound, a breaking voice, and a field of mud being thrown into his face. Afterwards, as I saw him being assured by McGee that the show was amazing, I thought I was going to cry.

Happily, Dexy’s reformed and Kevin now seems in fine fettle. My Beauty just remains as a peek into his fall into the abyss.

Here's a video of Kevin singing The Concrete And The Clay from the album. Enjoy...

Tom of Finland Bed Linen

The genius who came up with the idea of Tom Of Finland bed linen deserves to be carried around their village on the shoulders of their friends. From further away, Dirty Linen's designs look like a dainty lady toile. But on closer inspection, Tom's seventies gay clone muscle men pose, flex and kiss filthily across your pillows.

The other designs are just dandy too - the tattoo style 'vice' and the groovy 'suburban' aren't quite as daring, but still stylish.

A pair of pillow cases will set you back $35, which is pricey, but worth every penny for the eye raises (or flirty winks) you'll get when washing these down the launderette. Buy them here

My heroes: Tommy Cooper

Oh, he makes me laugh. And I'm sure he makes you laugh too. He was a comic and magician, and was more talented at both disciplines than most who specialise in just one. Of course, it was very sad when he keeled over live on TV, but really pretty funny too and what a way to go. And he wore a fez. Which automatically makes him 25% more funny.

Reade some of his one liners here

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

And have a dig around this site to find our more about him, gems such such as this conversation with the Queen, which was meant to have taken place after a Royal Command Performance

"Do you think I was funny?" Tommy asked.
"Yes Tommy," replied the Queen.
"You really thought I was funny?", Tommy asked.
"Yes of course I thought you were funny" said the Queen.
"Did your Mother think I was funny?" Tommy asked.
"Yes, Tommy..." said the Queen, "we both thought you were funny."
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" Tommy asked.
"No, ........." replied the Queen, "...but I might not be able to give you a full answer."
"Do you like football?" asked Tommy.
"Well not really" said the Queen.'
"In that case, ..." said Tommy, "....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'"

You know what? It doesn't even matter if it's true...

Dogs In Hats

There is nothing in this life that tickles me more than a dog in a hat. I think a fez or a tiny sombrero adds gravitas and authority to any hound.

Here is a video of some more bonzos wearing bonnets. I particularly like the party hatted pooches.


More dogs in costumes here

SingaLongaWonka

It's Friday. Turn your computer speakers up loud, and join in with Willyoke

One Legged Tap Dancer

Ladies and gentlemen, the marvellous Clayton 'Peg Leg' Bates

Friday Afternoon Muppet-a-thon

I love the Muppet show

From Mna Mna...


To Debbie Harry singing One Way or Another. Accompanied by a punk rock Muppetband - dig the sock Clem Burke on drums!




And Johnny Cash singing Jackson with Miss Piggy...



Really. Eat that, Balamory!

Kentucky Fried Tattoo

I have two whopping tattoos, and always thought that was enough for me. But now I've seen this awesome Colonel Sanders inking, I may need to rethink. From the astounding bmezine.com

I Hate Bono Dartboard

I despise the loathsome, Napoleon-complex-made-flesh, self-aggrandiser Bono, so I love this. It’s a piece of art, so probably way too expensive to actually have hanging in your garage, and you wouldn’t want to actually throw darts at something that pricey. It’s by Miles Donovan, and part of an exhibition at London’s the Dazed Gallery. Eighteen artists based in London were asked to design a dartboard with the thing they most hated on it for an exhibition curated by Garudio Studiage.

My Budget Valentine

Forgotten Valentine's Day? Compound your crime by printing one of these to shove under your loved one's door this evening.

From Here